This week I practiced honesty. I practiced being honest with myself as well as others. In the past I have struggled with not being truthful, especially with myself. I realized this past week that the reason why I lie is to please others. When I want to stay home I sometimes end up going to a friend’s house because they wish for my company. I have also noticed myself apologizing for things I’m not sorry for. I performed honesty by showing my true feelings, and listening to what I know is best for me. I also paid attention to the times I have lied or said sorry and why I did so.
What experiences have you had as a result of practicing this belief or value that you would not otherwise have had?
One of my best friends, John, called me after his ballet class on Tuesday. He said he was coming with a few dance friends to pick me up for dinner. Part of me wanted to go, but I was planning on going with my dad to pick up my mom at the airport. I asked myself what I wanted more, to hang out with the friends I see five days a week or see my mom for the first time in ten days. I told John to not pick me up, and that I wanted to get my mom at the airport instead. John respected my decision even though he wished I could be there. He understood that seeing my mom was important to me. Saying no heightened my personal respect, and gave me the opportunity to do what I desired. Seeing my mom standing outside baggage claim with her suitcases was fulfilling to me. I spent time with John after school on Friday. I enjoyed his company and recognized how much I appreciate having him as a friend.
Last weekend I performed in a dance concert. I was in two pieces, one was a slow duet and the other was a theatrical piece where I played an old man. Before shows we have a ballet class to warm up. Classes include bar exercises and center exercises. It has been over five weeks since I got this ankle sprain meaning I should be doing center work at this point. During the warm up on Friday we transitioned from the bar to the center. I craved to dance so intensely but as I marked the first center combination I felt a sharp pain in my foot. If it weren’t for this practicum I probably would have convinced myself my foot did not hurt, but I was honest with myself and recognized it wasn’t a good idea to dance. This was extremely hard for me because I should be taking the full class at this point. I listened to my intuition and didn’t further injure myself.
What new insights do you have about the belief or value you’ve practiced?
On Tuesday I didn’t attend ballet class. Before my injury my friend Ellie gave me a ride to dance every Tuesday. Once I sprained my ankle, Ellie wasn’t sure if I was going to dance on Tuesdays or not. As I commenced dancing again I began asking her for rides on Tuesdays. Last Tuesday I didn’t feel like I needed to bother asking her because I thought the routine was back on track. I waited for her and once it was time for class to start I realized she wasn’t coming. John asked me why I wasn’t there. I lied and said my dad wasn’t able to drive me. I learned that there are certain things worth lying about. If I told John I was waiting for Ellie, there’s a chance he would have informed her about it. She loves doing favors for people and I know she would have felt guilty. Ellie has no reason to feel responsible for my inability of getting to dance. This wouldn’t have happened if I called her and ask for a ride.
Almost everyone was crying after the concert last weekend. Another dancer, Emily, broke her finger before the concert. She was also unable to dance. Neither of us were pouting our faces or tearing up. I told Emily I wasn’t sad. The concert was over for me even before the rehearsals became sincere. I know I would have at least acted sad if it weren’t for this practicum, because I think my peers expect me to feel that way. I recognize that I have faked my emotions in the past to fit in to other’s expectations. The benefits of showing my honest emotions this week have been gaining respect from others and feeling secure with myself. Hiding my true feelings has made me feel low in the past, because I was concealing myself from my own family, friends, and acquaintances.
Is the level at which you’re practicing sustainable in your life? Why or why not?
I know this practicum is a sustainable one, and honesty is something that I plan on practicing for the rest of my life. I have already learned that I am capable of being honest about my feelings while being respected. In fact, I feel more respected now than before. When I say no, I feel entirely in control of my own decisions. I wish for success. Even if I became a principle dancer in the world’s greatest Ballet Company, I wouldn’t feel successful without honesty. I will continue practicing honesty and let this value develop to its greatest potential.
What was your biggest take away that will influence your final credo?
I believe that honesty relates to my core values of diversity and acceptance. Respecting yourself and making your decisions is important to making you the person you are. Everyone has their own opinions and desires. This is what makes us independent and different from one another. I value acceptance of others, and this practicum helped me accept myself. Perfection is boring and lying to make yourself that way is particularly hard on you, but also your peers. Honesty is another essential component to what my credo will be about, finding happiness.
What are your core values? What do you believe?
I believe in honesty, acceptance, and reaching beyond perfection. Happiness is achieved by loving others for who they are, and loving my self for who I am. Lying will only shelter my individuality from the world.
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